Realizing your own worthlessness

This is about my life, I am curious whether I am the only one who has had this experience. Please keep in mind, I am not whining about my life or looking for sympathy; I am simply stating things matter of factly; as coldly, clinically and accurately as I know how.

I was "emotionally neglected/abandoned" as a child by my parents (never really taken anywhere or done anything with, constantly yelled at, told about my worthlessness, told my feelings didn't matter and my feelings made fun of, threatened with homelessness, told I would be killed, etc.) and additionally I ended up being embarrassed by my parents. I saw them as small (character flaws), ugly people when compared to other children's parents. I knew my "family" was not just different but inferior to other families I saw. I believed everything I was told and still do.

My father committed suicide, my mother left. I have no family, no friends. I never had any plans/goals/dreams/vision of my future, in fact I never thought I had one to begin with. I don't even have a sense of identity other than that of "meatsack". I never was able to go up and talk to people and especially never girls. This is both because of an extremely acute awareness of my worthlessness as a meatsack and because I don't feel any connection to anyone, we have nothing of any substance in common and I do not tow the line which apparently one must in order to fit in and be liked; namely that "life is a great big fun adventure". I genuinely don't see it as such, quite the opposite in fact. Yet I have a profound urge, need, whatever it is to have a relationship with a girl, but I know that is impossible for the above mentioned reasons. Everyone seems to either want nothing to do with me to begin with or else abandons me shortly after hearing about my view of things.

I have drifted through life without any of these things, I have no desire to do anything, go anywhere, see anything, be anything. Nothing interests me, I don't care about anything or anyone. All of this is because I know no matter what I do, where I go, what I tell myself, who I am with, nothing will change the fundamental make up of the universe, nothing will grant me reprieve from death, it will not somehow instill worth and/or meaning into life and the fabric of reality because there is no inherent worth or meaning in life.

I see everything everyone does as a distraction, a waste of time, energy, etc. in furtherance of keeping up the lie that their lives are valuable, they have worth and meaning, etc. Further the notion that "you create your own meaning in life" which people will triumphantly state as some sort of profound wisdom, betrays the fact there is no meaning or worth in life/reality/the universe, etc. In essence, there is no point in doing anything because there is nothing to do.

Strangely I have recently begun to fear time; as it has really dawned more intensely than ever on me, that I am growing older each second and I have "wasted" my life by not experiencing "normal" things. I regret not being able to do and experience these "normal" things. I am angry/sad/frightened at this and the prospect of dying.

I feel that life is and has been torture for me, I can honestly say I have not enjoyed a second of it. I constantly wish for death, for a sudden and complete stop to this pointlessness I experience. The only reason I do not kill myself is because I am afraid of the possible momentary physical pain and the strange unpleasant feeling I get thinking about no longer existing.

I do not know if my experiences are the reason for the way I am, I do not know if I would have been any different had I not had the experiences I have had. I do not even care as it is irrelevant.

What I want to know besides whether anyone else feels this way is, why do I/we feel this way, this mix of sickness of life and fear of the end of life? and is this the sensation of ego death or whatever you want to call it (at least in part)? Am I just simply insane? Is this the sort of thing Thomas Ligotti experiences and is inspired by? If so, how is he or anyone for that matter able to reconcile doing things with this knowledge?

[Mr. Veech]

I'm no doctor, but it sounds to me like you suffer from depression. Sadly, depression is probably a normal reaction to the kinds of experiences you went/are going through. I can't really offer any consolation other than the fact that there are others who feel the same way. I suppose it gets a little "easier" once you simply accept reality as it is. In other words, one can resign oneself to the notion that the universe is a crummy place. That means, of course, lowering your expectations as much as possible. Someone else here will probably give you better advice. Despite the name of the website, not everyone here is a philosophical pessimist, which is not a bad thing.

In any case, if you've had time to really contemplate such things, then you might very well be an antinatalist.

[ToALonelyPeace]

Welcome to the forum, I can't speak for Mr. Ligotti's experiences so I think it's best if you read his interviews: Mumpsimus , Lovecraft eZine , The Hat Rack , PRISMO, Teemingbrain. There's also some aphorisms from his notebook We Can Hide From Horror Only In The Heart of Horror.

I found a quote that might be relevant to what you feel from Ligotti in the Mumpsimus Interview:

Quote

Before reading Zapffe, I too was aware of my life as a series of distractions and denials that staved off thoughts of the terrible things that could happen to me and of my impending death. I was also sensitive, probably overly so, that these terrible things could happen and in fact were happening everywhere in the world. They had always been happening and, barring some radical change in material existence, would continue to happen until doomsday. I knew that I needed something to take my mind off these things and discover some immediate pretext for being alive. I also knew that I was just biding my time until something terrible came along and I snuffed it, something that would probably happen only after I had to watch those to whom I had become attached in one way or another had snuffed it. One of those terrible things, among others, that actually did come along in my life was major depression. This is sometimes called the common cold of mental diseases, but that’s not how it feels to those who suffer from it. Aside from its other effects, depression has a philosophical effect to it that other kinds of pain do not, and its implications very much changed my sense of what it was like to be alive in the world. In depression, everything is just what it seems to be: a tree is just a tree and not something that arouses symbolic meanings or affective associations. Life itself becomes very transparent in all its aspects to a depressive. There aren’t any mysteries left, since all mysteries come from within us. We’re mystery-making machines, and we project a sense of mystery onto a world that has no such thing behind or within it. Certain questions remain that may one day be answered or may not be answered. Either way it doesn’t matter to a depressive.

I don't think what you experience is ego-death. You seem to still seek some peace or reconciliation or new knowledge whereas the ego-death wouldn't have a reason to seek them.

I do experience intense disgust with life and from time to time I blurt out my pain here and there...but in general I've found silence to be my best friend. Book is my second best friend and some books serve as my confessors. My questions everyday are "How to endure life?" and "How to endure myself?" to which I can only respond with silence and forgetfulness.

Assuming you don't suffer from clinical depression or other serious maladies that require professional help, the only way to live has always been to:

1) isolate bad thoughts from your mind (a popular method in my family)
2) anchor yourself in religion, career or a family (still a very popular method despite the growing cynicism and 'nihilism')
3) distract or stupefy yourself (I prefer this method since I lack faith and talent)
4) sublimate your sufferings by worshiping literature, art, and beauty (popular among TLO members)

Try and see what you can endure.

	TLO THOMAS LIGOTTI ONLINE

[Kevin]

Yep, depression it is, and it sounds severe. And rightfully so, from what you've said.

Your depression has led you to a fundamentally correct understanding of the universe and humanity. However, it might be nice to have a good day or two before you pass on into the void, as all of us must do. Seek a good therapist; since you're already so depressed then what can it hurt? Perhaps by drugs or talk you can lift the veil once in awhile.

[BeelzeBob]

Just from what you've described, you definitely don't sound insane to me. I think Kevin stated it perfectly with "a fundamentally correct understanding of the universe and humanity".

I'm a 35 year old guy, never married, no children, and I live in a small one bedroom apartment. I have absolutely zero business related ambitions and I have no goals. I have a small office job that doesn't pay much, but it's pretty low stress and it's just enough to cover my bills. I no longer date as I struggle with seeing the long term point in it. I only have a handfull of relatives I stay in touch with and I keep a very small circle of friends, that's all I need or want. Basically, I'm just going thru the motions of existing in western society. I find I'm able to do a decent job of distracting myself with reading and music, with the occasional video game excursion mixed in.

I guess my point in all of this rambling is that while I don't claim to understand everything you feel, I do understand the feelings of complete and utter emptiness. You're absolutely not alone. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that a lot more people than you realize probably feel the same way deep inside. Some are just better than others at masking it with societal delusions.

[Druidic]

Kshat, if you've been in this blackness since childhood, you're going to need professional help to try and escape it.

Your sense of "worthlessness" is most telling. That hideous state is always a combination of guilt, disappointment and anger (at one's self and others).
Simply put,it's paralysis and anhedonia of varying degrees. Confronting one's own Nothingness (as Gurdjieff often reminded us) is a very different--and initially terrifying--experience. But the trick in both cases is not identifying with it, not being swallowed whole; alas, it takes knowledge of certain tools and techniques (what G. termed "self-remembering," "self-observation," "non-identifying") plus years of work with others to achieve this.

I'm not a big fan of psychoanalysis but sometimes it works in combination with antidepressants (when prescribed by professionals with a real knowledge of the drugs). Sometimes a combination of behavioral therapy and medication really works.

You can't 'waste' your life, my friend. This story has the same ending for all of us.

Why suffer if there is a chance of getting help? The answer is easy: that paralysis is hard to fight for the fatigue is great--as is the inclination to do nothing.

But depression can sometimes be treated. Get to a good counselor and a good physician. It may be hard to believe but there are options.

I wish you the best.

Quote Originally Posted by BeelzeBob

Just from what you've described, you definitely don't sound insane to me. I think Kevin stated it perfectly with "a fundamentally correct understanding of the universe and humanity". I'm a 35 year old guy, never married, no children, and I live in a small one bedroom apartment. I have absolutely zero business related ambitions and I have no goals. I have a small office job that doesn't pay much, but it's pretty low stress and it's just enough to cover my bills. I no longer date as I struggle with seeing the long term point in it. I only have a handfull of relatives I stay in touch with and I keep a very small circle of friends, that's all I need or want. Basically, I'm just going thru the motions of existing in western society. I find I'm able to do a decent job of distracting myself with reading and music, with the occasional video game excursion mixed in. I guess my point in all of this rambling is that while I don't claim to understand everything you feel, I do understand the feelings of complete and utter emptiness. You're absolutely not alone. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that a lot more people than you realize probably feel the same way deep inside. Some are just better than others at masking it with societal delusions.

I'm the same, the only difference is I have no friends or relatives and I have two rooms, lol. The office job definitely hits home as well. Also, I'm glad you hit upon the western society aspect, which I think is critical in understanding our predicament. I have gotten out of the slump I was in last night and feel a lot better. What is happening is we are living in the Kali Yuga, the decline and undoing of the west, where every meaningful bond (societal, governmental, racial, sexual, familial, cultural, etc.) has been destroyed and we are adrift in a raging sea. It used to be that society would have in place structure(s) which would help us guide our way through life, we would have had exemplars to lead and follow, impose order on chaos and generally give our lives meaning. We have none of these things anymore and we are each left to our own devices, which is designed to make us slaves, the "freedom" we always hear about as being this great wonderful thing is really the cruelest kind of slavery. The only person who reorients the way I think and feel and brings me out of my "depression" or whatever you want to call it is Julius Evola, who everyone on this site should acquaint themselves with. I think the biggest problem we face is this echo chamber we create for ourselves of "the world and living is terrible" I think we have lost our sense that there is anything higher, anything eternal and our connection to it. I see that we don't have the spirit of resistance in us and instead have the childish spirit of acquiescence and defeat. We don't want to make the effort to improve ourselves because that is hard and requires effort and instead we come up with all sorts of reasons why we are just fine the way we are, which is the easy way out. This must be broken; I know that I pull out of my "depression" when I remember the solar heroic path we as men are meant to walk.

[Mr. Veech]

Quote Originally Posted by Kshatriya88

Quote Originally Posted by BeelzeBob Just from what you've described, you definitely don't sound insane to me. I think Kevin stated it perfectly with "a fundamentally correct understanding of the universe and humanity". I'm a 35 year old guy, never married, no children, and I live in a small one bedroom apartment. I have absolutely zero business related ambitions and I have no goals. I have a small office job that doesn't pay much, but it's pretty low stress and it's just enough to cover my bills. I no longer date as I struggle with seeing the long term point in it. I only have a handfull of relatives I stay in touch with and I keep a very small circle of friends, that's all I need or want. Basically, I'm just going thru the motions of existing in western society. I find I'm able to do a decent job of distracting myself with reading and music, with the occasional video game excursion mixed in. I guess my point in all of this rambling is that while I don't claim to understand everything you feel, I do understand the feelings of complete and utter emptiness. You're absolutely not alone. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that a lot more people than you realize probably feel the same way deep inside. Some are just better than others at masking it with societal delusions. I'm the same, the only difference is I have no friends or relatives and I have two rooms, lol. The office job definitely hits home as well. Also, I'm glad you hit upon the western society aspect, which I think is critical in understanding our predicament. I have gotten out of the slump I was in last night and feel a lot better. What is happening is we are living in the Kali Yuga, the decline and undoing of the west, where every meaningful bond (societal, governmental, racial, sexual, familial, cultural, etc.) has been destroyed and we are adrift in a raging sea. It used to be that society would have in place structure(s) which would help us guide our way through life, we would have had exemplars to lead and follow, impose order on chaos and generally give our lives meaning. We have none of these things anymore and we are each left to our own devices, which is designed to make us slaves, the "freedom" we always hear about as being this great wonderful thing is really the cruelest kind of slavery. The only person who reorients the way I think and feel and brings me out of my "depression" or whatever you want to call it is Julius Evola, who everyone on this site should acquaint themselves with. I think the biggest problem we face is this echo chamber we create for ourselves of "the world and living is terrible" I think we have lost our sense that there is anything higher, anything eternal and our connection to it. I see that we don't have the spirit of resistance in us and instead have the childish spirit of acquiescence and defeat. We don't want to make the effort to improve ourselves because that is hard and requires effort and instead we come up with all sorts of reasons why we are just fine the way we are, which is the easy way out. This must be broken; I know that I pull out of my "depression" when I remember the solar heroic path we as men are meant to walk.

That sounds very "German," something one might encounter in the writings of Nietzsche, Spengler, Heidegger et al. Personally, I've received far more consolation from the writings of Ligotti, Leopardi, Schopenhauer, etc. It's possible to take the concept of "manliness in the face of despair" or some indefinite "time of decision" way too far.

[Revenant]

Kshatriya88, no one who can write the way you do can possibly be worthless. Keep writing.