Psychology

[Steve Dekorte]

I was most attracted to TL's writing by his descriptions of certain states of mind that I identified with and hadn't heard described elsewhere. It seems these states are generally considered to be forms of dissociation, specifically

depersonalization disorder

Depersonalization_disorder

:

"Depersonalization Disorder (DPD) is a dissociative disorder in which sufferer is affected by persistent or recurrent feelings of depersonalization and/or derealization. The symptoms include a sense of automation, going through the motions of life but not experiencing it, feeling as though one is in a movie, feeling as though one is in a dream, feeling a disconnection from one's body, out-of-body experience, a detachment from one's body, environment and difficulty relating oneself to reality. For all, it is a rather disturbing illness, since many feel that indeed, they are living in a "dream"...

An analogy is comparing real life to a game, a game everyone plays, all the time. Someone suffering from depersonalization disorder constantly feels as if they cannot get into the game; any stimulus feels contrived or artificial to them. The rules of this game seem to have been forcibly applied upon them (anything from movement, to gravity or hunger) instead of being inherently applicable to them. If understanding dawns upon them of what they should be experiencing, it is often through reason and observation, or the feeling of knowing what and why it is happening. This sort of insight seems to rob everything of its spontaneity, its importance already having been diminished because of their sense of detachment. They are perpetual, and almost all the time, involuntary, cynics of our reality."

Have others here experienced this?

[G. S. Carnivals]

Steve, I do not bear this heavy cross in my life. I do, however, draw upon some aspects of disassociation and detachment as natural and necessary defense mechanisms which allow me to deal with the trials of life in a more or less "normal" manner. Balance seems to be the key to pretty much everything. Six of one, a half-dozen of the other...

[Dr. Bantham]

I have experienced similar sensations while under the influence of certain substances, in half-asleep dream episodes and in heightened states of anxiety. However, my panic attacks typically feature the theme of a heart attack. I had managed to avoid these nasty situations for many years, until a couple of months back when they reacquainted themselves with me. This began a series of heart examinations which erroneously resulted in a horrible initial diagnosis. However, this was eventually dismissed via a detailed heart catheter exploration which indicated my heart to be in fine condition. I am hoping this defiance against my paranoia will banish it forever, or at least inspire the demon to haunt me in a less horrific form.

My wife, who has endured anxiety disorder for the majority of her life, has a very acute sense of disassociation when she is experiencing heightened anxiety or beset by a panic attack. She typically describes it as "nothing is real", though the sensation is accompanied by an oppressive fear that renders her helpless. Sadly, our son appears to have inherited this, as he has for some years now exhibited similar distress. He will panic and press each one of us to assure him that he is not in a dream, because "nothing is real" and he is convinced that he is dreaming instead of being awake. For some time, I would calm him by making some outlandish statement, rationalizing that I would never say such things in a dream. He has not often complained of this fear outwardly in recent months, though he has suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder since he was able to talk and the focus of his affliction takes on a never-ending parade of maladies, some of which recirculate with striking regularity. Many are quite inventive, though it is sad to think that he may be plagued by these wicked detractions throughout his life. Our young daughter seems as yet untainted from the dreadful curse of woe that has fallen upon The House of Poe.

[gveranon]

I've occasionally experienced feelings of "derealization," but not often. There is an interesting book about it called Feeling Unreal. This book actually reassured me because, compared with the individual cases discussed by the authors, I don't seem to have much of a problem with it. However, I do have a fascination with it, which is why I read that book in the first place. My experience of this state is that it is actually pleasurable if and only if there are no practical or social demands on me at the time ... if I can just drift with it in reverie. Otherwise it is nightmarish because I feel that I can't cope, can't manage the practical or social situation I have to deal with. Again, this is very rare for me, fortunately.

I'm very drawn to artistic representations of this state, particularly the reverie aspect of it rather than the panic aspect. The reverie aspect can have some overtones of dread and still be pleasurable, as long as the dread is only a part of the aesthetic experience and not overwhelming. Some examples: Thomas Ligotti's stories, J. G. Ballard's stories and novels, W. G. Sebald's The Rings of Saturn, Fernando Pessoa's The Book of Disquiet.

Some music seems to represent (or evoke?) this state also. My Bloody Valentine's Loveless, Brian Eno's Another Green World, and numerous songs by Pink Floyd (in fact, the lyrics of "Comfortably Numb" seem to be about this state).

Also the paintings of Giorgio de Chirico and Edward Hopper.

[Odalisque]

I have experienced those sort of feeling for quite a large proportion of my life. So much so, that I'm surprised to find that others consider them particularly odd or unusual. Some of what was said in the first post on this thread describes my experiences very accurately. Life is a game in which one never discovers the rules - that's exactly it. I've spent a lot of puzzled time trying to figure the rules.

I remember once feeling as though I were a character in a cartoon. I said to someone: "I feel as though I was a cartoon character. Do I look like one?" The person said "no" - but, recalling the conversation years later, told me that (at that moment) I looked exactly like a cartoon character.

I think maybe it's not the way I am, but the way the world is.

[Karnos]

Like most of the replies here, I have experienced similar states like the one described a few times in my life.

I experienced a hovering sense of existential dread on a daily basis during my last job at an architectural design office. It was a small office, just me and my boss, a young Portuguese with strange mood swings. Despite being an architect, my work experience as an architect hasn't been exactly as much as I would like it to be. The level of stress and responsibility got the best of me various times, sometimes I would even hyperventilate and the strange thing is that I am used to work under stress, but something strange happened back then and every day felt like a nightmare of sorts, not the usual "my life sucks I want it to change" type of nightmare feeling, but a true and horrible sense of my life being a dream. Sometimes I would feel like another version of myself, constantly trying to wake up or convince myself that none of that was real. Others I would do stuff mechanically, not registering the experience at its full extent.

Back when I was a kid I would often wonder about my physical features, things such as why do I have a nose shaped like this, why my eyes look like that, why does my facial structure is the way it is. I would ofter spend quite a lot of time in front of the mirror pondering at my own face and the analysis would often go overboard to the whole observable world around me. I would then spend quite a lot of time thinking about what a lot of other people before (and surely after) me have thought about: Is it really me the one looking at the mirror or am I just a reflection, a dream, from the other me at the other side.

I also feel like I am in a dream or a movie, unable to operate accordingly, when I am trapped in social events with many people clustered around, events such as weddings, parties or the god forsake times when my girlfriend drags me to night clubs with her friends.