Depression arising from not exercising creativity/concepts of catharsis

I went and totally freaked out in the waiting room but the doctor was OKish when I finally got in. I got a prescription for citalopram. I asked about what the side effects were (he had no intention of even mentioning it) and he said some 'mild nausea, which should be nothing to worry about'. The blasé manner in which he handled prescribing me drugs aroused my suspicion deeply.

I then went home and researched this stuff properly, and found it can have some very nasty side effects, with it being linked to fatal heart problems and – more importantly – having a fair chance of increasing suicidal, depressive and anxious thoughts. I am only taking these as a last resort, but it freaks me out knowing how casually these potentially very harmful things are prescribed to vulnerable people. It was treated as casually as if I was handed sweets rather than the substantial decision making process it should have been. It bothers me especially because the 0% mortality rate marijuana is illegal in my country. I am starting this drug tomorrow but I am being very careful and shall keep a diary to myself so can be alert to adverse reaction.

[Draugen]

Citalopram seems to be the "go to" drug on the NHS. A couple of people I know have been prescribed it and they stopped taking it in the early stages as it made them feel rough. However I'm lead to believe that passes once you adjust to it and it has surely helped people. I hope all goes well for you.

Thanks.

Yeah, this could go very badly and I wouldn't even be doing this if I didn't feel completely broken anyway. I am keeping a close watch on my moods and have got a friend to help check in on me and remind me if I do somehow inexplicably get worse that it could be the drugs and I should get in touch with the doctor.

I had to wait 40 minutes in the waiting room (I blame the Tories!) so by the time I got out the chymist was shut. I have started my diary tonight so I have something to compare with later on, and shall see how this rolls come tomorrow. The hope is that it gets me well enough that I can then attend therapy and start on the road to building some sort of life.

[dr. locrian]

Hold fast, James. One of the smartest things I ever did was to start taking antidepressants for depression and anxiety. Give it a few weeks at least to see what effect it's having. Of course, if you start feeling more suicidal thoughts than before, stop taking them and go straight in to see a physician.

Remember, if this one doesn't help, another kind probably will.

[Druidic]

James, I wish you the best and trust the medication will work. Hang in there and you'll get back to your art. The future of this genre belongs to young guys like you and my friend Hell-Ghost!

[Mr.Plores]

Hi! I hope medication works. I had to take it for about 9 months due to depression and it definitely helped to drag my self out of that hole. I am off them now. Just taking some non addictive sedatives to sleep (atarax).

My writing was best during depression though. I can't say it helped, but at least gave me something else to keep my mind on.

Hopefully you will feel better man. I would also gladly read your stories if you want to share them. Reading about you here made me curious. You are very honest and open about yourself and that candor is appreciated by me.

Thanks, people. The doctor didn't tell me anything, but the consensus online is that the medication usually takes weeks to come in to effect. I'll book an appointment with the doctor once it is clear how this is working for me. Goofily, each tablet's foil pocket is actually labelled with a day of the week, which seemed patronising at first, but as I sometimes totally lose track of time due to no constant sleep cycle (I have been awake for 2 days at this point), this prevents me from skipping a day or overdosing.

I can't imagine my anxiety and depression ever going away, as both have come to define my life, but then again I previously couldn't imagine coming to enjoy the fiction of MR James as much as I now do. Consciousness is the least stable thing in this universe, so I could be anything this time next year.

I'm now off citalopram as it made my heart palpitations immeasurably more severe. Have never felt so physically terrible in my life and had to undergo an ECG test today whilst writhing in agonising terror as the doctor coldly gazed at me with impatience before finally admitting I should probably stop taking this crap as I was having a very bad biological and psychological reaction. By looking around online, I see many have had the same experience with this dreadful drug. I still want to pursue medication, but I'm now too scared to try others as this might happen again and I've been atrocious for days now. I feel more suicidal than before the meds, too. Oh, and did I mention the increase in auditory hallucinations? I hear them even now. Closer than ever.

I'm here shivering uncontrollably in the warmth whilst the sound of my heart seems to be ringing out from these very walls. Terrified. If I was in America I'd have to actually pay money to feel this inconceivably ill, which would have added insult to injury. This whole thing has really put me in the mood for Ligotti's My Case for Retributive Action, but I think I should try and relax myself. This drug has made it so I can't read weird horror fiction, which is perhaps its greatest crime of all.

I am so cold. The heating is on maximum.

[Druidic]

James. don't let this incident prevent you from checking out other medications. Most medicines these days come with a laundry list of adverse reactions--think of them as legal disclaimers--and the chance of running into a really bad reaction is very, very small. I'm not saying it can't happen but you have to be very unlucky. So called 'common side effects' are usually annoying and unpleasant but not life-threatening. The big pharmaceutical companies don't want to kill anyone and neither does your doctor. Sometimes anxiety about medication can create symptoms that are indistinguishable from listed side effects. Your keeping a journal of how you feel is a great idea. Now give it hell, my friend!

I know you're right, but this has been the worst I have felt in my entire life and easily the most suicidal, so I'm now feeling very trepedent about future anxiety or depression medication as my doctor had initially seemed so certain this wouldn't bother me much. When I met the doctor today (a completely different guy to the one I met the other day, which added an Aickman-esque uncanny surreal quality as he seemed to know me, and his regeneration went unmentioned) the meds were making me act outwardly crazy in a way I never have before. I'm usually just some generic looking anxious mid-20s person but today I was constantly knocking stuff over, trailing off in to non-sequiturs, forgetting what somebody had said seconds after they had said it, gurning and drifting off in to lingering confusion.

I just spent an hour crying on the floor whilst the world was swinging around me. Now I'm full of energy and can't stop sweating. It feels like something is buzzing and churning inside the left part of my chest. I can't stop thinking of suicide. I have decided I'm going to ask for a referral to somebody who specialises in mental illnesses as the doctors I spoke to this week seemed to know very little (bafflingly little), which led to them making what I have felt to be some poor decisions. I hope to find some sort of medication that at least doesn't give me palpitations. I have been the exact opposite of relaxed. I feel like I sniffed a hundred kilos of cocaine and my heart feels like it's gonna blow. I never imagined meds could be this bad. I'm not giving up, but right now I'd settle for some medication to mitigate my heart palpatations whilst I undertake some sort of deeper psychoanalytic procedure (which I am sceptical about as all hell, but far less sceptical about than I am my current shape shifting doctor) to then arrive at a conclusion as to how I should proceed.

It dawned on me how many people must be upset due to some real life trauma such as a dead kid or whatever, and take these meds, only to develop the symptoms of mental illnesses through using them, so they're then told to take more meds by doctors like mine who are unaware of side effects, which then exacerbates their symptoms even more. This cycle is really upsetting to me.